A few years ago, a game by the original developers of Diablo and Diablo 2 came out. It was called Hellgate London and on the surface, it was awesome. Slick graphics, interesting idea, endlessly randomized and addictive.
There was only one problem: It...kinda sucked.
Actually, its funny that I say 'one' problem, when really, it was a plethora of minor mistakes that brought the game down, like a multitude of nanobots chewing an elephant to death. The first was the music and sound: Nearly nonexistent music combined with flat and boring sound effects do not a compelling experience make.
Now, sound might not sound like a huge deal (ha) but it really makes a huge impact. Sound design can make or break atmosphere in a big way. We're aural and visual creatures, and playing a game that serves great graphics and yet subpar sound is a great way to yank someone out of the experience. I mean, the basic gunshot sound in Hellgate was so flat and dull that I barely wanted to pull the trigger!
And no, swords sounded no better.
The second problem was theme. The opening intro movie, the monster design, the graphics, all of it pointed towards a very specific theme: Dark post-apoc, with grim everywhere. But then when you actually *play* the game, and *talk* to the NPCs, your ability to take them seriously as characters dies a quick and painless death, shot through the head by a quest givers that goof it up so much you'd almost think you were in a parody. In fact, most of the written lines WERE written like a parody.
But the game does not feel like a parody when you trudge through the bombed out ruins of London. In the end, it all felt so unreal and flat that I didn't care two whits for anyone or anything.
And the third and final problem was the randomization. Randomization is awesome, as it gives a game added depth and interest. The problem was...yeah, gun A and gun B might have totally different stats and be unique gemstones in the wild wild world of spreadsheets...but they both look, sound, and act the same in game. The armor might have different stats and abilities, but when they all LOOK like the SAME GODDAMN boring futuristic power armor I just want to stab myself!
And don't get me started on the levels. Oh the levels...yes, they were completely random, good job! But they didn't feel like...places. They felt like...random mazes. That worked for Diablo and Diablo 2. Want to know why? Because we didn't *know* Tristriam like the backs of our hands, and even though the maps were random, they still *felt* like a *place*.
In Hellgate: London, you do not feel like you are in London. You do not feel as though you are in any recognizable city. They could have called it Hellgate: Liberty City...but even that would be inaccurate, for Liberty City still feels like fucking Liberty City.
No, a better name would be Hellgate: Generic. Cause in their attempt to make an endlessly random game, they ended up with...well, an endlessly random generic mush.
And so, it seemed like the FPS/Action/RPG hybrid was doomed, with only the distant Diablo 3 and the occasional third party games like Silverfall to come and give us loot gathering, sword slinging addicts something to do.
...and then.
And then...
And then came...
Borderlands.
And let me get something out of the way, right now: Borderlands is *FUCKING AWESOME*. If I were to describe it in a single pithy sentence, I'd say "Hellgate: London done right (in space).
The game takes place on Pandora, a distant and shitty planet of dust, bandits, and aggressive wildlife. However, on Pandora there is rumored to be a Vault containing infinite wealth and treasure and alien technology. So, logically, you play as one of four treasure hunters who has come to Pandora to find the Vault and get stinking filthy rich. Unfortunately, there is a hostile planet between you and the Vault...
Fortunately, you have the help of 87 bajillion guns.
Yes. Bajillion.
And guess what? They were serious. There are literally 87 bajillion guns in this game, subdivided into 6 categories.
So, we have...
Pistols: Automatic Pistols, Semi-Automatics, Revolvers...
SMGs: SMGs that shoot fire! SMGs that shoot rockets!
Combat Rifles: 3 shot pinpoint bullpups, full on machine guns
Launchers: Rocket launchers that shoot rockets that shoot lightning!
Sniper Rifles: I have a sniper rifle that can take the head off a bandit at 100 meters. Also it lights the bandit on fire.
Shotguns: Acid. Shotgun. ACID. SHOTGUN. THERE IS AN ACID SHOTGUN
And this is just a *fraction* of the guns available. And guess what...they all look different, sound different, and feel different. The sound effects are good, the guns behave in interesting ways...though some do feel similar to other guns, they all manage to mix it up often enough that it does not feel like you're just using the same weapon with different skins.
Oh, and did I mention the grenade mods? Basically, you can carry 3 grenades (that capacity can be upgraded up to 6, I believe) and you can equip a grenade mod. The first and grenade mod you get is a "MIRV" mod.
When your grenades explode they launch other grenades.
WHEN.
YOUR
GRENADE
EXPLODES
IT LAUNCHES
OOOOOOOTHER GRENADES!
There are acid grenades, flame grenades, bouncing betty grenades, sticky grenades (complete with gun toting cowardly midgets for you to stick them too), telepoting grenades.
Oh yeah.
Teleporting grenades.
Now, you have every gun you could possibly want...who do you get to shoot it at? Well, I'm only partially through the game, but so far the enemies are fairly entertaining. There are two main types: Human enemies and alien enemies. Aliens are the wild life of Pandora, including scaled dog like critters to burrowing larva in the ground to flying sky monsters. Each of them have a weak point you can hit FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE and they all look very cool.
Human enemies are visually less exciting, most of them being nothing more than regular bandits. However, their guns and the nicely squishy way they explode when you drop a MIRV on them is always satisfying.
Now would be a good time to mention the graphics: They're colorful, stylish, and cell shaded. Now, if cell shading is not your thing, you might find this annoying...but personally, I think it really works with the quirky, off beat tone that they are trying to set.
See, that's another thing that this game does right that Hellgate did wrong: Tone. The game is quirky and offbeat from the first five seconds of its BRILLIANT opening to the shotgun toting midgets to the grindhouse movie style intros too all NPCs and boss monsters (fans of Tarentino will get a kick out of these).
The music is also fantastic, by the way.
Anywho, the gameplay is an entertaining and simple mix of gunning and RPG. You shoot bad guys with guns, they die, you pick up loot, equip the better stuff, sell the crappier stuff, level up, gain abilities that let you do cool things like turn invisible or make robotic turrets...we've seen this all before. However, its done so well and married perfectly with the FPS elements that the term Role Playing Shooter really applies.
...
Oh yeah, also, there's 4 player Co-op
Its not going to move you to tears, and its not an amazing artistic statment, but its not trying to be. All its trying to be is entertaining and charming and funny, and it blew me away on all three counts.
...dude, I just got a revolver that fires acid bullets.
Highs: Charming graphics, great music, awesome gunplay, lots of guns, simple but effective RPG, polished and unbuggy.
Lowers: Walking from place to place is a grind, and the driving segments are merely a side show. I'd have preferred they just give us fast travel so we can warp to the interesting parts rather than have to drive a cruddy buggy around.
Bottom Line: If you like shooters? Buy it. If you're needing an action RPG fix, buy it. If Hellgate: London appealed despite its flaws, BUY IT!
Score: 8.5 out of 10 bajillion guns.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Singularity Is Near
Its odd to find a book like this. In this day and age of apocalyptic scenarios and doomsday predictions, a world of 2012 hysteria and political carriers being built off of Global Warming scares, one is inundated with dystopian future and grim "we're all going to die/be miserable" tomorrow.
But then this book comes along and suggests that not only will the future be way nicer than previously anticipated but also that the future is going to be way more FUTURISTIC than previously anticipated.
The way to imagine it is thus: In the time between 1100 and 1200, we didn't change very much. People lived and died much as those that were born in 900 or in 1300 lived or died. Nationalities changed and wars were fought, but technology and the way of life stayed fairly constant. And then came the 15th century printing press, which took about 200 years to become fully entrenched in human affairs. Then in the 18th century, we got the steam engine. It took about 80 years for the steam engine's effects to be fully appreciated. In the 19th century, we invented the telephone, which was fully accepted by the 1950s. In the 1980s, we got the cellphone, which was fully adopted by the 1990s! Computers and the internet boomed with just the same speed...Moor's Law, a prediction made by a guy named Moor (astonishingly enough), states that computing power will increase along a predictable, exponential path.
And guess what! For the past 40 years of computing, it has been true. Well, mostly...there was a hiccup in the beginning as Moor overestimated the speed, so he revised and his revised Law is still used today.
Now, if you plot exponential growth, you'll notice that it starts off advancing slowly, then curves upwards till its rocketing up at incredible speeds.
This rocketing point is called the Singularity by the author of this book, Ray Kurzweil, and it will completely change everything in a massive change reaction that will take place over a few YEARS, and yet have more sweeping changes than we have had in ONE THOUSAND YEARS!
After the Singularity, things get rather comfortable. Amazing technology like nanomachines or virtual reality and genetic engineering and other things we can't even think of right now will banish most worldly problems, destroy the economy, and allow us to all live how we wish to live. Want to enhance yourself to think a billion times faster than you can now? Why not! Wanna live your life out in a VR booth, having adventures with other VR dwellers without ever moving? Sure!
And, of course, you can stay baseline. To the view of a baseline human, this future would appear rather similar to our own...the Enhanced (those who have altered their minds and bodies to be faster and smarter than the baselines) will be essentially human...but faster. They won't think the way we think now, and so there would be no reason why they would do any of the horrible things sci-fi authors love to predict. Ya know, things like enslave humanity, or force us to all Enhance ourselves, or anything dumb like that.
Why? What proof do I have that they will do this?
Well, I have only one thing: When you can produce anything, nothing material has value (Buddhist's wet dream) and so the only thing that has value is INFORMATION. And what are we if not information made manifest? We are the expression of information stored in our DNA, creating humans of marvelous complexity. And so, to destroy a human or any other living thing is destroying information, furthering the cause of entropy, and that would be bad...specially to beings capable of thinking of things on the scale of millions of years. And best of all, humans don't *really* need all that much, when we're thinking about this scale.
And so, a baseline will live in a paradise wherein they are provided by servile godlike beings who are always willing to step in and chat with their relatives. The more dickish Enhanced might condescend to humans, but we always have the ability to A) Enhance ourselves and smack them, or B) point out that the universe is big enough for everyone to be what they want to be or C) Just smile and nod and then go back to living in your paradise.
Now, what if you Enhance yourself and get nostalgic?
Well, who said that one has to STAY what you are. The ability to change from state to state would be within our grasp, so you can spend a few centuries as a free floating cloud of nanobots, then reform into a human body whenever you feel like it.
And so, we have a future wherein we design the children of humanity, and they in return, redesign us, allowing us to transcend our biology and become masters of our own destiny.
NOW!
Is this all too crazy optimistic? Possibly. See, this all hinges on one thing: MOORS LAW.
If Moors Law falls off and we stop seeing the same advances in computing technology, then we won't be able to develop A.I, which means we won't be able to figure out some answers to some very serious problems (Like, how do we make matter replicators? How can we live as long as we want too? How can we feed everyone?). Which means we will be in trouble.
However, if we continue to advance at the rate we are advancing, and if our RATE of advancement keeps advancing at the rate our rate of advancing is advancing, then we might see the Singularity by either 2040 or 2100.
I'm hoping for 2040, but planning for 2100.
See you on the other side.
But then this book comes along and suggests that not only will the future be way nicer than previously anticipated but also that the future is going to be way more FUTURISTIC than previously anticipated.
The way to imagine it is thus: In the time between 1100 and 1200, we didn't change very much. People lived and died much as those that were born in 900 or in 1300 lived or died. Nationalities changed and wars were fought, but technology and the way of life stayed fairly constant. And then came the 15th century printing press, which took about 200 years to become fully entrenched in human affairs. Then in the 18th century, we got the steam engine. It took about 80 years for the steam engine's effects to be fully appreciated. In the 19th century, we invented the telephone, which was fully accepted by the 1950s. In the 1980s, we got the cellphone, which was fully adopted by the 1990s! Computers and the internet boomed with just the same speed...Moor's Law, a prediction made by a guy named Moor (astonishingly enough), states that computing power will increase along a predictable, exponential path.
And guess what! For the past 40 years of computing, it has been true. Well, mostly...there was a hiccup in the beginning as Moor overestimated the speed, so he revised and his revised Law is still used today.
Now, if you plot exponential growth, you'll notice that it starts off advancing slowly, then curves upwards till its rocketing up at incredible speeds.
This rocketing point is called the Singularity by the author of this book, Ray Kurzweil, and it will completely change everything in a massive change reaction that will take place over a few YEARS, and yet have more sweeping changes than we have had in ONE THOUSAND YEARS!
After the Singularity, things get rather comfortable. Amazing technology like nanomachines or virtual reality and genetic engineering and other things we can't even think of right now will banish most worldly problems, destroy the economy, and allow us to all live how we wish to live. Want to enhance yourself to think a billion times faster than you can now? Why not! Wanna live your life out in a VR booth, having adventures with other VR dwellers without ever moving? Sure!
And, of course, you can stay baseline. To the view of a baseline human, this future would appear rather similar to our own...the Enhanced (those who have altered their minds and bodies to be faster and smarter than the baselines) will be essentially human...but faster. They won't think the way we think now, and so there would be no reason why they would do any of the horrible things sci-fi authors love to predict. Ya know, things like enslave humanity, or force us to all Enhance ourselves, or anything dumb like that.
Why? What proof do I have that they will do this?
Well, I have only one thing: When you can produce anything, nothing material has value (Buddhist's wet dream) and so the only thing that has value is INFORMATION. And what are we if not information made manifest? We are the expression of information stored in our DNA, creating humans of marvelous complexity. And so, to destroy a human or any other living thing is destroying information, furthering the cause of entropy, and that would be bad...specially to beings capable of thinking of things on the scale of millions of years. And best of all, humans don't *really* need all that much, when we're thinking about this scale.
And so, a baseline will live in a paradise wherein they are provided by servile godlike beings who are always willing to step in and chat with their relatives. The more dickish Enhanced might condescend to humans, but we always have the ability to A) Enhance ourselves and smack them, or B) point out that the universe is big enough for everyone to be what they want to be or C) Just smile and nod and then go back to living in your paradise.
Now, what if you Enhance yourself and get nostalgic?
Well, who said that one has to STAY what you are. The ability to change from state to state would be within our grasp, so you can spend a few centuries as a free floating cloud of nanobots, then reform into a human body whenever you feel like it.
And so, we have a future wherein we design the children of humanity, and they in return, redesign us, allowing us to transcend our biology and become masters of our own destiny.
NOW!
Is this all too crazy optimistic? Possibly. See, this all hinges on one thing: MOORS LAW.
If Moors Law falls off and we stop seeing the same advances in computing technology, then we won't be able to develop A.I, which means we won't be able to figure out some answers to some very serious problems (Like, how do we make matter replicators? How can we live as long as we want too? How can we feed everyone?). Which means we will be in trouble.
However, if we continue to advance at the rate we are advancing, and if our RATE of advancement keeps advancing at the rate our rate of advancing is advancing, then we might see the Singularity by either 2040 or 2100.
I'm hoping for 2040, but planning for 2100.
See you on the other side.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Darkest of Days: Killing people in the service of history.
Okay, so, its been a while since I've updated for reasons mostly involving my massive MASSIVE cocaine habit, but now I'm back so lets get too it!
DARKEST OF DAYS!
This is a new FPS from some Podunk company called 8 Monkey Labs. Its come outta no where, without much backing in both money and name recognition. Does it hold up to mainstream shooters like Halo or Call of Duty?
Graphically? No.
Sound? No.
Polish? Also no!
However, in terms of originality, story, and gameplay, it blows most FPS on the market outta the water.
The basic idea is that you're Alexander Morris, a poor schmoe who served under General Custer at the illfated Battle of Little Bighorn. Moments before getting your brains bashed in by a POed Native American, a time portal opens and you get yanked into the future, to serve under Kronotek, a company in the future that handles time travel.
Kronotek has one objective: Keep history the way it was.
Unfortunately, someone is going back to fuck things up. So you gotta go in and fix them.
This will take you to the Civil War and to WWI, WWII and other places.
Most missions involve you using period specific weapons, which keeps gameplay shockingly fresh. The difference between , say, a WWII SMG and a musket is huge...and the battlegrounds of WWI requires far different tactics than fighting in the Civil War. And, of course you get to use futuristic guns in the past. Mmm, assault rifle versus muskets. Never gets old.
The story is cheesy and yet engaging, fully occupying my attention as I played, with characters I actually kinda cared about, some surprisingly funny moments (my personal favorite being a madcap ride on a zeppelin), and with an ending that...
Well, okay. The LAST level is pretty goddamn awesome.
But the *ending* is nothing but sequel bait. It sets up a cliffhanger, then ends with you hanging off said cliff.
So, that really pissed me off.
But other than that blemish, Darkest of Days is definitely a game worth picking up!
Highs: New Concept, engaging gameplay, good story
Lows: Mediocre Graphics and sound, cliffhanger ending
Final Line: Sick of blowing up Halo rings? GET THIS GAME
I give it 4 out of 5 Time Bubbles.
DARKEST OF DAYS!
This is a new FPS from some Podunk company called 8 Monkey Labs. Its come outta no where, without much backing in both money and name recognition. Does it hold up to mainstream shooters like Halo or Call of Duty?
Graphically? No.
Sound? No.
Polish? Also no!
However, in terms of originality, story, and gameplay, it blows most FPS on the market outta the water.
The basic idea is that you're Alexander Morris, a poor schmoe who served under General Custer at the illfated Battle of Little Bighorn. Moments before getting your brains bashed in by a POed Native American, a time portal opens and you get yanked into the future, to serve under Kronotek, a company in the future that handles time travel.
Kronotek has one objective: Keep history the way it was.
Unfortunately, someone is going back to fuck things up. So you gotta go in and fix them.
This will take you to the Civil War and to WWI, WWII and other places.
Most missions involve you using period specific weapons, which keeps gameplay shockingly fresh. The difference between , say, a WWII SMG and a musket is huge...and the battlegrounds of WWI requires far different tactics than fighting in the Civil War. And, of course you get to use futuristic guns in the past. Mmm, assault rifle versus muskets. Never gets old.
The story is cheesy and yet engaging, fully occupying my attention as I played, with characters I actually kinda cared about, some surprisingly funny moments (my personal favorite being a madcap ride on a zeppelin), and with an ending that...
Well, okay. The LAST level is pretty goddamn awesome.
But the *ending* is nothing but sequel bait. It sets up a cliffhanger, then ends with you hanging off said cliff.
So, that really pissed me off.
But other than that blemish, Darkest of Days is definitely a game worth picking up!
Highs: New Concept, engaging gameplay, good story
Lows: Mediocre Graphics and sound, cliffhanger ending
Final Line: Sick of blowing up Halo rings? GET THIS GAME
I give it 4 out of 5 Time Bubbles.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Preview!
I am working on a new review, this time a video game!
A new video game!
Its got...TIIIIIIIIIME TRAAAAAAVEL!
A new video game!
Its got...TIIIIIIIIIME TRAAAAAAVEL!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
How Orson Scott Card broke my computer (Part 2)
After two days of fiddling, I've gotten this computer to work!
All it took was installing linux, uninstalling vista, backing up my files, installing vista incorrectly, uninstalling vista, uninstalling linux, then installing XP and then fiddling with my Ethernet drivers and then FINALLY ...I got it to work.
And best of all...
ADVENT RISING WORKS ON XP!
Which is why I'm playing it while I type this.
Natch!
All it took was installing linux, uninstalling vista, backing up my files, installing vista incorrectly, uninstalling vista, uninstalling linux, then installing XP and then fiddling with my Ethernet drivers and then FINALLY ...I got it to work.
And best of all...
ADVENT RISING WORKS ON XP!
Which is why I'm playing it while I type this.
Natch!
After the Downfall: Of Nazis, Unicorns, and Sex
Aaah, Harry Turtledove. I must say, I'm a absurdo-fan of his work. I own every book of three series, several of his one-shots, and at least three anthology books. I've read each of them at least twice, some of them more, and I can list off my characters of his from favorite to least (starting with Ealistan, ending with Jens Fucking Larson, god I HATE THAT GUY!) from his books and, of course, summarize his three 'epic' series right off the top of my head.
The only thing I fangasim harder for would be Babylon 5. If you give me an episode number, I can give you a title, a plot synopsis, and how many episodes FROM that we get another Walter "Nuclear Wessals" Koenig episode.
However...just because I'm a dribbling fanboy does not mean that I can't recognize the huge flaws in Turtledove's writing. Cause he has them and hoo-boy, if you're not ready, they can be a game breaker.
Firstly, he writes big books. Big books, with lots of characters, over long periods of time. This leads to repetition. Lots and lots of repetition. I swear, you will hear similar lines of dialog done again and again and again. You will read the same scene again and again and again, with only minor changes. There's a good reason for this: People do the same thing again and again. That's part of what makes them good people. And Harry Turtledove always writes great people...the only problem is a great portrayal of a person does not always equate to a character that will leave you riveted to the book!
Don't get me wrong! Turtledove has plenty of exciting action scenes, taut conversations, and erotic sex scenes to keep you interested...assuming you know when to skim!
Second Problem! This guy really likes his World War 2. I mean, seriously, his three most epic series are...
World War 2 with ALIENS
World War 2 with THE CONFEDERACY!
World War 2 with MAGIC (my favorite)
and, of course, who can forget his one shots...
World War 2 but the Nazis Won!
World War 2 but the Japanese invaded Hawaii
World War 2 but...um, wait, I think that's it.
OH WAIT, this perfectly segues into the thing I was actually going to talk about!
Nazis and Unicorns! Warning! Spoilers ahead!
The only thing I fangasim harder for would be Babylon 5. If you give me an episode number, I can give you a title, a plot synopsis, and how many episodes FROM that we get another Walter "Nuclear Wessals" Koenig episode.
However...just because I'm a dribbling fanboy does not mean that I can't recognize the huge flaws in Turtledove's writing. Cause he has them and hoo-boy, if you're not ready, they can be a game breaker.
Firstly, he writes big books. Big books, with lots of characters, over long periods of time. This leads to repetition. Lots and lots of repetition. I swear, you will hear similar lines of dialog done again and again and again. You will read the same scene again and again and again, with only minor changes. There's a good reason for this: People do the same thing again and again. That's part of what makes them good people. And Harry Turtledove always writes great people...the only problem is a great portrayal of a person does not always equate to a character that will leave you riveted to the book!
Don't get me wrong! Turtledove has plenty of exciting action scenes, taut conversations, and erotic sex scenes to keep you interested...assuming you know when to skim!
Second Problem! This guy really likes his World War 2. I mean, seriously, his three most epic series are...
World War 2 with ALIENS
World War 2 with THE CONFEDERACY!
World War 2 with MAGIC (my favorite)
and, of course, who can forget his one shots...
World War 2 but the Nazis Won!
World War 2 but the Japanese invaded Hawaii
World War 2 but...um, wait, I think that's it.
OH WAIT, this perfectly segues into the thing I was actually going to talk about!
Nazis and Unicorns! Warning! Spoilers ahead!
After the Downfall begins with, well, the Downfall bit. The massive red army is smashing into Berlin in an orgy of rape, death and violence. Yeah, Nazi Germany was evil, but by this point, it was kind of like kicking a dog after all of its legs were bitten off. Oh and its one million people doing the kicking.
The main character, Captain Hasso Pemsil (Or Tha Playa as I shall be calling him) has a handful of soldiers around him, almost no ammo and almost no cover. The Reds are getting closer and the best place that he and his men have to hide is a musem of ancient artifacts.
Needless to say, they're up Styx creek without a paddel. And no, I didn't bring up Greek references for nothing! For this Musem holds this ancient rock called something or other, which I'm sure is some Greek legend reference. Long story short, Tha Play sits down on the rock and, to his shock, vanishes.
Then the rest of his men get shot so no one knows that he's vanished.
And since the rock is neither a Nazi to shoot nor a woman to rape, the Reds ignore it and Berlin collapses.
That's the Downfall...and now we get the AFTER bit!
Tha Playa arrives in a marshy forest that looks almost exactly like Russia, except with less angry Russians trying to k- and holy shit, a super hot blond bombshell being chased by three subhuman jews. At least that's what Tha Playa sees.
So he does the logical thing and uses his fancy gun to mow down the jews. The hot blond bombshell, who turns out to be named Velona, does something rather odd. She takes off her clothes and spreads her legs.
Tha Playa, still a bit shell shocked, thinks that this is rather odd.
Then he realizes, oi! Hot girl! And gets right too it.
Did I mention this is seven pages in?
Seven.
Seeeeveeeeen!
Anywho, Tha Playa, between boning the Goddess (Oh yeah, she's a Goddess) learns that he's in a magical world of magic, wherein the blond folks have arrived and started taking over the lands of the short jew-looking people. And they're having a fairly grand time of it all, except for this one annoyingly hard to destroy nation of jew-looking people. Realizing that he can use his furteristic German Brain to aide his fellow blondies, Tha Playa soon gets a job as head of the magical SS in the blondie's court.
He also learns he has magical powers. Sweet.
However, Tha Playa is having second thoughts. For one thing, he's had time to think about it...and, well, the subhuman russians hadn't really been very subhuman. Everything he had been taught was that Russians were weaker than Germans. And therefor, Germany should not have lost to them. If Germany had lost to them...then...QUESTION MARK.
While bemusing this, he begins to actually feel...kinda bad for the Jew-looking folk. I mean, the blondies are just real assholes to them.
Tha Playa is conflicted! But then, a nice war comes along to distract him: The king he's working for decides to use Tha Playa's might German Tactics to crush the Jew-looking people's homeland once and for all!
And, at first, the German Tactics (applied to horses, rather than tanks) work great.
But then those annoying Jew-looking people do the logical thing and set a trap that would only work against bunched up calvery all charging right at you. Tha Playa falls into the trap, most of the army is killed, then routed...and Tha Playa awakens in a Jew-Looking People jail!
Over time, he learns the other side of the story, grows to realize that the way people look has almost no bearing on their actual personality, discards his old Nazi beliefs of racial hygine and social darwinism, and falls in love with a hot jew-looking people girl, who has more personality, spunk and intellegence than the blondie goddess anyway.
The story ends with Tha Playa settling down with the jew-looking people girl and helping that nation develop gunpowder, to help level out the playing field, so to speak.
On the whole, what did I think of this book?
I fucking LOVED IT!
Why? Firstly, it was a unique idea excecuted well. Secondly, it was a redemption story and I love redemption stories. Thirdly, the characters were well drawn and realistic. Tha Playa is ernestly likable even when he's in racist mode, the Goddess has a perfect air of being both increadibly hot and ever so slightly annoying. And, of course, a shout out MUST go to the jew-looking people girl, who steals the show by being my...FAVORITE CHARACTER OF THE BOOK!
The book also gains bonus points for not killing my FCOTB off. Yeah, I often pick favorite characters that...die...
When that happens, books loose points.
Grr
Okay, fourthly, the book was a nice change of pace from Turtledove's normal works. He's only got a few characters, and a shorter time frame, and so it feels much less repetitive, while still having that classic Turtledove detail that always makes me snuggle his books while reading them.
And, lastly, there's lots and lots of awesome awesome sex...
Highs: Redemption story that feels realisitc. Sex.
Lows: Maybe too much sex for prudes. The fantasy names are impossible to remember.
Bottom Line: Worth a looksie if you're new to Turtledove. If you're a fan, grab it!
Score: 4 Swasitcas
RANDOM SIDE NOTE!
I must say: Turtledove has shockingly few gay character. You'd think that at least one would pop up one of these days...but nope! No gay people!
However, I think I know why. When he wrote his WW2 with Aliens story, people asked why there were no 'view point characters' that were Japanese. And Harry Turtledove explained that he could not write from their perspective, as he did not understand them yet....so later, he wrote a series which had many Japanese characters and nailed them.
I think Turtledove needs to simpyl study up more on gay characters, to try and figure out how to get in their heads. Cause, well, Turltedove is so nicely well rounded in his representation of the world, its a shame to see him miss out on this increasingly important one!
See ya guys next time.
The main character, Captain Hasso Pemsil (Or Tha Playa as I shall be calling him) has a handful of soldiers around him, almost no ammo and almost no cover. The Reds are getting closer and the best place that he and his men have to hide is a musem of ancient artifacts.
Needless to say, they're up Styx creek without a paddel. And no, I didn't bring up Greek references for nothing! For this Musem holds this ancient rock called something or other, which I'm sure is some Greek legend reference. Long story short, Tha Play sits down on the rock and, to his shock, vanishes.
Then the rest of his men get shot so no one knows that he's vanished.
And since the rock is neither a Nazi to shoot nor a woman to rape, the Reds ignore it and Berlin collapses.
That's the Downfall...and now we get the AFTER bit!
Tha Playa arrives in a marshy forest that looks almost exactly like Russia, except with less angry Russians trying to k- and holy shit, a super hot blond bombshell being chased by three subhuman jews. At least that's what Tha Playa sees.
So he does the logical thing and uses his fancy gun to mow down the jews. The hot blond bombshell, who turns out to be named Velona, does something rather odd. She takes off her clothes and spreads her legs.
Tha Playa, still a bit shell shocked, thinks that this is rather odd.
Then he realizes, oi! Hot girl! And gets right too it.
Did I mention this is seven pages in?
Seven.
Seeeeveeeeen!
Anywho, Tha Playa, between boning the Goddess (Oh yeah, she's a Goddess) learns that he's in a magical world of magic, wherein the blond folks have arrived and started taking over the lands of the short jew-looking people. And they're having a fairly grand time of it all, except for this one annoyingly hard to destroy nation of jew-looking people. Realizing that he can use his furteristic German Brain to aide his fellow blondies, Tha Playa soon gets a job as head of the magical SS in the blondie's court.
He also learns he has magical powers. Sweet.
However, Tha Playa is having second thoughts. For one thing, he's had time to think about it...and, well, the subhuman russians hadn't really been very subhuman. Everything he had been taught was that Russians were weaker than Germans. And therefor, Germany should not have lost to them. If Germany had lost to them...then...QUESTION MARK.
While bemusing this, he begins to actually feel...kinda bad for the Jew-looking folk. I mean, the blondies are just real assholes to them.
Tha Playa is conflicted! But then, a nice war comes along to distract him: The king he's working for decides to use Tha Playa's might German Tactics to crush the Jew-looking people's homeland once and for all!
And, at first, the German Tactics (applied to horses, rather than tanks) work great.
But then those annoying Jew-looking people do the logical thing and set a trap that would only work against bunched up calvery all charging right at you. Tha Playa falls into the trap, most of the army is killed, then routed...and Tha Playa awakens in a Jew-Looking People jail!
Over time, he learns the other side of the story, grows to realize that the way people look has almost no bearing on their actual personality, discards his old Nazi beliefs of racial hygine and social darwinism, and falls in love with a hot jew-looking people girl, who has more personality, spunk and intellegence than the blondie goddess anyway.
The story ends with Tha Playa settling down with the jew-looking people girl and helping that nation develop gunpowder, to help level out the playing field, so to speak.
On the whole, what did I think of this book?
I fucking LOVED IT!
Why? Firstly, it was a unique idea excecuted well. Secondly, it was a redemption story and I love redemption stories. Thirdly, the characters were well drawn and realistic. Tha Playa is ernestly likable even when he's in racist mode, the Goddess has a perfect air of being both increadibly hot and ever so slightly annoying. And, of course, a shout out MUST go to the jew-looking people girl, who steals the show by being my...FAVORITE CHARACTER OF THE BOOK!
The book also gains bonus points for not killing my FCOTB off. Yeah, I often pick favorite characters that...die...
When that happens, books loose points.
Grr
Okay, fourthly, the book was a nice change of pace from Turtledove's normal works. He's only got a few characters, and a shorter time frame, and so it feels much less repetitive, while still having that classic Turtledove detail that always makes me snuggle his books while reading them.
And, lastly, there's lots and lots of awesome awesome sex...
Highs: Redemption story that feels realisitc. Sex.
Lows: Maybe too much sex for prudes. The fantasy names are impossible to remember.
Bottom Line: Worth a looksie if you're new to Turtledove. If you're a fan, grab it!
Score: 4 Swasitcas
RANDOM SIDE NOTE!
I must say: Turtledove has shockingly few gay character. You'd think that at least one would pop up one of these days...but nope! No gay people!
However, I think I know why. When he wrote his WW2 with Aliens story, people asked why there were no 'view point characters' that were Japanese. And Harry Turtledove explained that he could not write from their perspective, as he did not understand them yet....so later, he wrote a series which had many Japanese characters and nailed them.
I think Turtledove needs to simpyl study up more on gay characters, to try and figure out how to get in their heads. Cause, well, Turltedove is so nicely well rounded in his representation of the world, its a shame to see him miss out on this increasingly important one!
See ya guys next time.
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